2008-05-18 Diane

For several years I had three best friends – my phone friend, my e-mail friend, and my lunch friend. Ellen and I met in college and wound up having our children at virtually the same time. Over two decades we’ve had infrequent but long phone conversations while going through pregnancy and various stages of motherhood. Nancy and I e-mailed each other a dozen or more times a week.

Diane had been married and working in the medical field in another state, but was now living with her parents and her five-year-old son in Skokie, and was a software engineer who’d joined my department at AT&T while I was on leave with my first baby. We soon found ourselves visiting each other daily and having lunch together most of my workdays.

Diane worked hard at her job and quickly became a sought-after expert, while also taking classes towards earning another degree. She took pride in her work but was also a very modest person. She wanted to be the best mother she could be. She came from a large family and I heard so much about her relatives that I felt I knew them.

We depended on each other for advice on a daily basis. Diane was a bit older and grayer than I and always seemed very wise to me. She was patient and understanding and a good listener. We joked for years about the time we were mistaken for mother and daughter while eating lunch out.

After a re-org and some office moves we wound up in different buildings and going out to lunch just once a week. One Thursday morning she called to tell me she needed to cancel because she’d been in the hospital since Sunday. That very morning Chicago’s Cardinal Bernardin had died of pancreatic cancer, and now my best friend was diagnosed with the same. She had major surgery and several weeks off work for treatment and recovery.

Throughout it all she remained in good spirits, did not complain and continued to be dedicated to work, school and her family. After a while things returned to normal. She and her son went on a cruise and on the morning of disembarkment they won another cruise!

I was concerned that even though the cancer was in remission, it might come back and our time together might be limited. I was able to arrange a transfer to work in the same group with Diane again. My new office was near hers and we worked together and saw each other frequently. It was a wonderful day when we got to go out to lunch to celebrate one year after her last treatment.

Before we knew it, the cancer was back and this time it was fast and furious. Sadly, between the time of her original diagnosis and the cancer’s return, both of her parents had died. While undergoing treatment Diane also worked full-time, attended classes, and took care of her son. They took the cruise they’d won, scheduled carefully between treatments. Diane lost so much weight that the nurses joked about her “elephant pants” and this is something else we laughed about. She viewed the whole thing as an ordeal to get through and then get on with life.

Soon she was hospitalized and we had the news that there would be no recovery this time. I visited her as often as I could. During this time I met the people I’d heard so much about and it was strange, knowing them so well before we met, and knowing their sister better than most of them did. I had hoped that she would be one of the few to beat the odds, but it was not to be.

I got the call about her death one morning just moments before my three-year-old son’s preschool teacher arrived for a home visit to meet us. It was immensely painful to lose a friend, someone who had been a part of my day-to-day life for eight years. And to a mother, there aren’t many things worse than not living long enough to raise your own child.

Diane’s photo and funeral memorial card are framed and on my desk.

Diane was a one-of-a-kind person and friend. Ten years have gone by. The pain has dulled, her son has grown up, and her presence will always be missed.